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NFL Week 11 Predictions: Fake Quote Edition

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Dallas @ Detroit (+4)

The Cowboys lost 28-24 to the visiting Vikings on Sunday night. The Vikings defense stifled Ezekiel Elliott and the Dallas running game, while Dalvin Cook piled up 183 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown.

"We had our chances," Jason Garrett said, "but just didn't execute when it mattered most. I don't want to go as far as to say we 'threw' the game away, because we actually 'ran' the game away. Some our our plays in the fourth quarter were listed on the injury report as 'questionable.'"

The Lions lost 20-14 to the Bears without an ailing Matthew Stafford, who missed the game with nagging hip and back injuries. In his place, Jeff Driskel passed for 269 yards and a touchdown.

"Matt's streak of 136 consecutive starts came to an end," Matt Patricia said. "Normally, if Matt is breathing, he's playing. But doctors didn't clear him to play. When I heard that, I said to the doctors, 'Seriously?' They replied, 'Injured.'

"We'll roll with Driskel if Matthew can't go against Dallas. Driskel spent three years with the Cincinnati Bengals. We call those 'lost' years."

Cowboys win, 28-20.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-3)

The Jaguars return from their bye week with a quarterback change, as Nick Foles takes over for Gardner Minshew.

"I have one bad game," Minshew said, "and I get benched. Is my fairy tale season over? Probably, and it seems like my 'un-fair–y' tale season is just beginning.

"It appears Foles is Doug Marrone's 'Prince Charming.' And I wonder if Doug did more than just kiss Nick's ring to awaken him from the bench. Nick may be the franchise quarterback, but I'm the 'fanchise' quarterback."

With Jacoby Brissett out with a knee injury, the Colts offense sputtered under the guidance of backup Brian Hoyer. Hoyer threw 3 interceptions as Indy lost 16-12 to the Dolphins.

"Sure," Frank Reich said, "Brian struggled. Amazingly, though, the more Brian struggled, the better Jacoby's knee felt.

"Adam Vinatieri missed another extra point. That's 6 already this season. If we have to release Adam, it will be one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. Adam has meant so much to this franchise, and he's one of the nicest guys in the world. We've actually taken to calling him 'Miss Congeniality.'"

Foles eschews the mustache and headband favored by Minshew, and instead rolls up to Indy with a monocle and an ascot.

Jaguars win, 24-22.

Buffalo @ Miami (+5½)

The Dolphins shocked the Colts, 16-12, in Indianapolis, getting a strong effort from their defense, which picked off Brian Hoyer three times.

"We're pleased with the win," Brian Flores said. "But let's face it, we're still a 2-7 team. So, we're certainly not overconfident. If confidence was fuel, we'd be at 'half a tank.'

"Our general manager, Chris Grier, went to the LSU/Alabama game in Tuscaloosa to personally scout the talent. And he watched some football players."

Buffalo wins, 20-16.

Denver @ Minnesota (-10½)

The Broncos are 3-6, last in the AFC West, and returning from a bye week with renewed optimism after a strong outing from quarterback Brandon Allen in Week 9.

"We like Brandon's athleticism," Vic Fangio said. "Unlike Joe Flacco, he's very agile in the pocket. Also unlike Joe Flacco, Brandon's our quarterback. Joe's been placed on injured reserve. He went from 'elite' to 'delete.'"

The Vikings beat the Cowboys, 28-24, at AT&T Stadium to improve to 7-3.

"We stopped the Dallas offense when we needed to," Mike Zimmer said. "I attribute that to experience. I've coached in the NFL for over 25 years. I'll take my defensive play-calling over the offensive play-calling of Kellen Moore any day. Moore is only 31-years-old. I have hemorrhoids older than him. And most of 'em are easier to live with than Jerry Jones."

Vikings win, 27-13.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (+6)

The Buccaneers beat the visiting Cardinals, 30-27, as Jameis Winston passed for 358 yards and a touchdown, with 2 interceptions. Winston led the 92-yard, game-winning drive that culminated with Peyton Barber's 1-yard TD run.

"With Jameis," Bruce Arians said, "you take the good with the bad. You just have to pray the good outweighs the bad. That being said, I've become a very religious man."

The home-standing Saints were stunned 26-9 by the Falcons, who kept New Orleans out of the end zone. The Saints fell to 7-2.

"The Buccaneers have a decision to make about Jameis Winston this offseason," Sean Payton said. "Do they keep him around, and if so, what do they pay him? I can't answer that question; I can only tell you what price we have on his head.

"On a lighter note, I just got engaged. I asked my fiancé to marry me at the 50-yard line in the Superdome. She said 'yes.' I asked her if she was sure. She answered, 'After further review, the call on the field stands.'"

Saints win, 33-21.

N.Y. Jets @ Washington (-1)

The Jets beat the Giants 34-27 for their first win since beating the Cowboys in Week 6. Sam Darnold passed for 1 score and ran for another, and Jamal Adams returned a fumble for a score.

"It wasn't pretty," Adam Gase said, "but what did you expect? It was Giants versus Jets. I'm surprised the New York Post didn't uses the headline, 'Bumping Uglies' to describe the game.

"Jets owner Christopher Johnson said he plans to exercise patience in regards to my job situation. That's what's known in this business as a 'backhanded vote of confidence.'"

Jets win, 23-16.

Atlanta @ Carolina (-5½)

The Falcons stunned the Saints 26-9 in New Orleans. Matt Ryan passed for 2 touchdowns and Atlanta limited the Saints to just 3 Will Lutz field goals.

"No matter how high the odds are stacked against us," Ryan said, "never count out the Atlanta Falcons. And, no matter how high the odds are stacked against an opponent we're leading by 25 points in the third quarter, never count them out."

The Panthers lost 24-16 to the Packers at snowy Lambeau Field. Christian McCaffrey was stopped on fourth down from the Packers 1-yard line to seal Green Bay's win.

"Kyle Allen went toe-to-toe with Aaron Rodgers," Ron Rivera said, "and more than held his own. If you thought Kyle couldn't hold Rodgers' jock strap, well, you were right, because like I just said, he was too busy 'holding his own.'

"Now, there's a difference than 'more than holding your own' and 'holding more than your own.' If you're 'holding more than your own,' then you've obviously been forced into an uncomfortable situation with former Panthers owner Jerry Richardson."

Panthers win, 27-24.

Houston @ Baltimore (-4)

The Ravens whipped the Bengals, 49-13, led by Lamar Jackson, who passed for 3 touchdowns and ran for another.

"Lamar had a perfect passer rating of 158.3 for the second time this season." John Harbaugh said. "The only other quarterback to do that is Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben shouldn't feel bad, because there are still lots of things he's done that Lamar hasn't.

"We certainly didn't want to have a letdown after beating the Patriots. And we didn't. It's easy being motivated for the Patriots. It's much tougher to get motivated for the Bengals. Probably tougher than it is to be motivated as a Bengal."

The Texans beat the Jaguars 26-3 in London in Week 9, and return from a bye week with sole possession of the AFC South lead, thanks to Miami's win over the Colts.

"We owe the Dolphins one," Bill O'Brien said. "Actually, we owe them two 'ones,' from the Laremy Tunsil trade.

"Our defense will have to play its very best to handle Lamar Jackson. Jackson gives defensive coordinators nightmares; he also gives offensive coordinators nightmares, for not drafting him."

Baltimore wins, 24-22.

Arizona @ San Francisco (-13)

The Cardinals lost 30-27 in Tampa Bay and dropped to 3-6-1 on the season. Kyler Murray and Christian Kirk kept the Cardinals in it, with 3 TD connections, but the Cards ultimately could not make key stops.

"Kyler is the future of quarterbacking in the NFL," Kliff Kingsbury said. "He's on his way to superstardom, and it seems to be happening 'Sooner' than any other quarterback from Oklahoma. Kyler wakes up feeling dangerous, and instead of being a baby, he goes to bed and sleeps like a baby."

The 49ers lost 27-24 in overtime to the Seahawks on Monday night, suffering their first loss of the season. Jimmy Garoppolo struggled, with 3 turnovers, and was sacked 5 times. San Fran leads the Seahawks by 1 game in the NFC West.

"I've heard all the criticism lofted at Jimmy after Monday," Kyle Shanahan said. "That's he's a system quarterback; that he's overrated; that he couldn't hold Joe Montana's jock strap, or his Skechers. I've heard all the derogatory nicknames Jimmy's been called, like 'Jimmy Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific, But Your Quarterbacking Stinks' or 'Joe Non-tana.' It doesn't bother Jimmy at all. At the end of the day, he can look himself in the mirror and be happy, because he's so damn good-looking.

"I guess the members of the 1972 Dolphins can breathe easy, if that's even possible at their age. Their undefeated record will remain intact for at least another year. You probably can't say the same for their hips."

San Francisco win, 29-21.

Cincinnati @ Oakland (-10)

The Raiders felled the Chargers 26-24 on Thursday night to keep pace with the Chiefs in the AFC West. Oakland is 5-4, just a half-game behind the Kansas City.

"I thought our defense came to play," Jon Gruden said. "They really got after Phillip Rivers, intercepting him 3 times to go along with 5 sacks. We had so many guys in his face, he probably thought he was home with the kids."

The Ravens crushed the Bengals, 49-13, in Cincinnati in Ryan Finley's first start as a Bengal.

"I guess we threw Ryan into an unwinnable situation," Zac Taylor. "But I guess you could say that about any of our players.

"We're 0-9 this season and right on pace to get the first pick in the NFL draft. I think Cincinnati is a perfect city for a No. 1-drafted quarterback to refuse to play in."

Raiders win, 31-16.

New England @ Philadelphia (+3½)

The Patriots return from their bye week looking to get back on track after suffering their first loss in Week 9.

"That loss left a bad taste in our mouths," Tom Brady said. "When that happens, you can either spit, or swallow. I choose to spit, because that's what my fitness advisor and virtual fluffer Alex Guerrero advises to expel negative vibes.

"Robert Kraft really wants Rob Gronkowski to come back. Does Robert think we can't win the Super Bowl without Gronkowski? Robert is spoiled; he thinks everything has to conclude with a happy ending."

The 5-4 Eagles return from their bye and find themselves tied atop the NFC East with the Cowboys.

"It's a sad situation," Doug Pederson said, "when the NFC East is considered the weakest division in the NFL. And that's based on excluding the Giants and Redskins.

"But our focus is firmly on the Patriots. We know they're coming to Lincoln Financial Field with an attitude; we have to match that attitude. If they're bringing steaming hot clam chowder to the table, then we're bringing a foot-long cheese steak, loaded with grilled onions, peppers, cheese, mushrooms, and D-cell batteries, which will give it that extra 'oomph' when it goes upside their heads. As they say, 'Oomph! Upside Your Head!'"

Patriots win, 28-21.

Chicago @ L.A. Rams (-6½)

The Bears ended a four-game skid with a 20-13 win over the visiting Lions. Mitch Tribisky passed for 3 touchdowns and had no turnovers.

"We rewarded Mitch with the game ball," Matt Nagy said. "Usually, he rewards the other team with game balls.

"That's a win I had to have. A loss there, and I could have a special guest on NBC's Chicago Fire. A loss, and I would likely have fallen below R. Kelly in public opinion. A loss, and my approval rating would have fallen below the Chicago murder rate."

The Rams lost 17-12 and fell to 5-4, third in the NFC West. Jared Goff had 3 turnovers as Los Angeles struggled mightily on offense.

"Jared has to be better," Sean McVay said. "He completed only 22-of-41 passes. Terrible. Accuracy used to be Jared's strength. Heck, they even called him 'Dead Money' because of it. That nickname could have an entirely different meaning if he can't live up to the $134 million contract he signed last year."

Bears win, 23-21.

Kansas City vs L.A. Chargers (+3½)

Despite a huge day from Patrick Mahomes, the Chiefs lost 35-32 to the Titans in Tennessee. Mahomes passed for 446 yards and 3 touchdowns, but the Chiefs defense gave up 225 yards on the ground.

"If you would have told me beforehand that Pat would go for 446 yards and 3 scores," Andy Reid said, "I would have thought we would have won the game 35-32.

"This game is taking place in Aztec Stadium in Mexico City. That stadium seats over 100,000, which is about 10 times what the Chargers are used to playing in front of."

Chargers win, 29-27.

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